Wednesday, August 27, 2008

The best way to avoid getting an agent

Start off by spending a quarter of your life writing an amazing piece of work that you know will floor your dream agent.

Get rejected by your dream agent.

Get rejected by your backup dream agent.

Spend several more years altering your story so that it still floors people, but no longer contains more gerunds than a high school English book.

Submit your query to an agent you didn't dream about, but may have daydreamed about while you were bored standing in line at the bank.

Mention in the query that you are including a sample of three chapters.

Completely forget to include the sample.

Realize it the next morning at work and desperately send in the sample under your work e-mail.

Receive an e-mail from the agent stating that they liked the idea, but needed a sample.

Realize when you get home that the agent has no idea that your work e-mail and personal e-mail are the same person.

Again, with an extremely accelerated heart rate, submit to the agent your original query, the samples, an explanation of the two e-mail addresses and a note at the bottom explaining that you are a complete moron. Seriously, degrade yourself if the most demeaning ways you can imagine. Agents love a complete lack of confidence.

Wait 3 months with your fingers crossed and your bank account dwindling. You see, you were fired for using work e-mail to attempt to further your career outside of your current employer.

One magical, sunny day in the middle of spring, flowers blooming and birds chirping, receive an e-mail from the agent simply asking, "Who are you?"

Monday, August 25, 2008

My First Post - and other shiny sundries lying about

For my first post, I won't wax philosophical. Mainly because I'm simply not smart enough to say anything that's going to make a difference. Were I famous, regardless of my level of intelligence, someone would certainly feel touched by this post. "Oh, my life is changed! Did you hear what he said?" they would post. "He talked about coffee. The hell is wrong with you?" someone would rebuttal.

Since I'm clearly incapable of impacting your life, the sole reason you must be here is because you read that first paragraph and now you're thinking "Go on...". So I shall.

What's the deal with airline food anyways?

Ok, I can't do this. The truth is that I started this blog to improve my writing. And for no other reason. That's right, you didn't even factor into the equation. Sorry boutcha.

I'll be posting the daily goings on in my life here. In case, some day, I do gather a loyal following of readers for the books I completely intend to get published. If my shockingly large stack of rejection letters isn't a clue to the staggering success of my process of elimination tactics for literary agents, I don't know what is. Not money, that's for sure. I don't have any of that...

So stay tuned. Don't click that orange x in the upper right hand corner of your screen. Make a sandwhich, have a seat. Things can only get better from here. Right?