Wednesday, August 27, 2008

The best way to avoid getting an agent

Start off by spending a quarter of your life writing an amazing piece of work that you know will floor your dream agent.

Get rejected by your dream agent.

Get rejected by your backup dream agent.

Spend several more years altering your story so that it still floors people, but no longer contains more gerunds than a high school English book.

Submit your query to an agent you didn't dream about, but may have daydreamed about while you were bored standing in line at the bank.

Mention in the query that you are including a sample of three chapters.

Completely forget to include the sample.

Realize it the next morning at work and desperately send in the sample under your work e-mail.

Receive an e-mail from the agent stating that they liked the idea, but needed a sample.

Realize when you get home that the agent has no idea that your work e-mail and personal e-mail are the same person.

Again, with an extremely accelerated heart rate, submit to the agent your original query, the samples, an explanation of the two e-mail addresses and a note at the bottom explaining that you are a complete moron. Seriously, degrade yourself if the most demeaning ways you can imagine. Agents love a complete lack of confidence.

Wait 3 months with your fingers crossed and your bank account dwindling. You see, you were fired for using work e-mail to attempt to further your career outside of your current employer.

One magical, sunny day in the middle of spring, flowers blooming and birds chirping, receive an e-mail from the agent simply asking, "Who are you?"

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